One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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