Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
