Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
