bring money and cleavage
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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