when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
