Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
