she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
