You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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