Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
