You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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