My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
we're making bets on your personal life
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
