dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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