i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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