Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
