Sry I called you an 8
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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