She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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