hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
