she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
