If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
