So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
