I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
