so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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