I hope mine doesn't look like that
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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