oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
