I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am naked and annoyed.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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