I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
did you just send me my own nude
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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