DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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