I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
