she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
