The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
