i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
