the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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