My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
