Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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