need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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