I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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