Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
