she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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