How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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