Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
