Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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