She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
