OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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