she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
