a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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