Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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