I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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