Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
