My first STD was from a foam party
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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