OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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