we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
