Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
